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Tag Archives: journal

if you are nice to them

26 Mar

retroblog032620157/10/1999

I learned that being a friend, takes a lot of time and commitment. We always were together. Being a friend is cool. You have to listen to your friends. You have to help them fix their problems. Your friends also will do the same if you are nice to them. You feel safer when you have a friend. It is nice to know that someone counts and you and that you can count on someone too.

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“i almost cried last night” is my favorite line

21 Sep

When Fighter left, I don’t remember spending an obsessive amount of time missing him. Sometimes, when I was alone between classes, I’d want him to be there so I wouldn’t seem so lonely, and sometimes I’d send him text messages in which I didn’t mind admitting to be weak and lovesick, because a part of me really loved the drama of having been broken up with a friend who I’d sort of had feelings for on and off throughout high school and who sort of had feelings for me at opposite times until that one winter when he came home after his first semester in college on the mainland and we directed all our feelings of having missed each other and The Way Things Were When We Were Younger into a single week of Officially Together and my first kisses and a farewell party after the New Year with all our friends at my grandparents’ house, when Fighter decided it would be best we “keep things loose” while he was back at school, when I half-heartedly agreed, when I hugged him goodbye in the dark corner by the pool, when I cried about my feelings in front of Grandma for the first time since sixth grade, when she told me and I didn’t believe that I’d be okay.

trying to be more gryffindor

10 Sep


This happened about four months after my month-long session of mono during which I forgot how to spell, went to the midnight premiere of Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince, promised not to infect any of my friends, felt like death, and still managed to appreciate the wizarding world with every bit of my heart. After mono, any sign of swelling on my face or neck terrified me and contributed to my college experience being a confusing mixture of Wanting To Be Invisible and Trying To Be More Gryffindor.


I spent a lot of time sitting places, feeling uncomfortable, and writing to seem busy. Here I am. Sitting. Writing. Feeling strange. Bored. Weird. Awkward.

When my courage was in low supply, I spent half a semester at home saving it up for Spring when I’d return with energy and vigor and a very faint and distant memory of the assignment I butchered and teacher who depleted my stock of self-worth. I can’t say that I came back as big and strong as I’d have liked, but I was better and cared little for Wanting To Be Invisible when I saw her strutting about the school.

words and pictures

9 Sep

hiking

25 Jul

I’ve always sort of hated hiking. I don’t like smelling like sunscreen, being soaked in sweat and covered in dirt, I don’t like mosquitoes, lizards hiding on leaves, breathing heavily, or defying the fact that I am not outdoorsy. I am pale. I am iron-deficient. I get my news from Tumblr or the “What’s New” Entertainment section on the front page of my Yahoo mail. I blog daily about my feelings, for goodness sake, and not of the grand adventures I had whilst gallivanting in the wild. I am not a hiker.

But, I’ve hiked. I’d say I’ve hiked a fair amount.

Instead of using his real name, the boy in the following story will be named David Gordon.
On the Fourth of July in 2005, David Gordon drove to my house and picked me up to meet our friends in town. I guess we had time to spare, so he took me to Mariner’s Ridge. I was not dressed to hike and I told him this, but when he said we should do it anyway, I tried and failed to say no. So I hiked a little ways up before I decided it would be okay to tell him that I didn’t want to do this anymore. My journal doesn’t say much else about this except that we met up with Chris, who was in a serious relationship at the time, and the girl who made him one-half of a couple. He teased David Gordon and I by saying we were on a date, but I denied it as we sat on a beach in Waikiki and watched the fireworks overhead. If David Gordon meant for it to be some kind of a date, I feel really bad for journaling of it later and putting the greater emphasis on my almost-crush on Poet.

In other news, I know I said I never really liked hiking. That’s why it’s strange it has been on my mind recently to tackle one. I’ll be sure to take my slow-release iron tablets in the morning so I don’t faint!