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a thanksgiving list

23 Nov

Here is a Thanksgiving list of ten of my favorite things in no particular order, maybe:

10. Watercolor. I’ve been painting a lot lately. I have an Etsy shop now, and I’ve made four sales! If I decide to sell it, my November work will be listed some time next month. Though it flatters me to be commissioned, it’s not one of my favorite things. The pressure of specific peoples’ expectations is tremendous!

9. Fall. I love Fall. Winter used to be my favorite season, but I realize now that Fall is so much better. It’s all the buildup of the Christmas season and none of the letdown. New Year’s Day is probably the most depressing holiday.

8. Netflix. TV with no commercials is my favorite kind of TV. It bugs me that I can’t catch the next season of Showtime’s Homeland on Netflix and that it only has the first season of Jane the Virgin, but in two days the world will be blessed with four more extra long episodes of Gilmore Girls, and that makes up for a lot. Also, I’m noticing that all of my favorite things so far have ended with a slightly negative comment, but I have to share now that I’ve been having, like, real anxiety about the new Gilmore Girls. First, it’s going to end. Again. Second, it will be different. It has to be, right? And I’m worried it will feel different and I’ll feel separate from it. A separate I’ve never felt with them before. Ugh. But I’m still mostly excited.

7. The Internet. I wish that the Internet was what it is now when I was in high school. I feel like I could have been better. With today’s Internet then, I could have cared less about being liked. I mean, I still would have cared, but it wouldn’t be so bad if I felt disliked, because there would have been a lot of people online who thought I was cool for it, I think. If they were there when I was in high school, there was still too big a chance they were Internet creepos Degrassi taught me to avoid.

6. Bubble Tea. Boba is good. I probably drink/eat too much of it. Bubble tea has been my special treat for, like, two years straight. Maybe three. We should get together some time and spend approximately fifteen minutes chatting over boba, kay?

5. My church. I like my church a lot. I feel like I could spend more time there than I do. It’s pretty much Christmastime, and it’s always so beautiful then. There’s always something more I could be doing to get involved and be closer to God, in general. That’s all.

4. Date nights! Daniel and I had the most amazing date last weekend. Time alone together now is extremely rare, so it is so wonderful when we get it and can truly connect. Also, the food was so good AND we got bubble tea after.

3. People. Sort of. I know most of the time it seems I’m trying to avoid them, and I am, but there are a small few I actually really like. I cancel plans, take too long to reply to text messages, and I’m a terrible friend. Still, these are the people in my life with whom I feel pretty close.

2. Milo. You know. He knows.

1. Daniel, duh. He’s so patient and kind and loving when I’m too often terse and annoyed. It is not lost on me how incredibly lucky I am to have been married to this man for three years!



it starts with an n

23 Aug

On this day twenty-something years ago, the first boy I’d ever liked was born. And I don’t care all that much anymore. Not like I did. Not since some time in high school when I learned there were other cute boys, funny boys, really lovely boys who made me just as stupid and nervous as he did. And compared to high school humiliation, generally, it’s almost kind of sweet to recall myself at eleven or twelve years, having my friends tell him how I felt while I listened on the other line when he said he preferred other girls. Almost, kind of. But I like that he was born. And I like that I remember him and all his little details I’d collect like pennies in the bank, his middle name, his baseball team, his favorite color. All of it written somewhere with a Gelly Roll, probably, keeping space where it would otherwise be forgotten or lost, a dusty memory, a piece of myself trapped with him when I thought there’d be no one else. And I’m afraid of getting old and forfeiting whatever it is that proves I was young once, that I know how it feels to stand against the wall and hope to be asked to dance, to listen to a song on repeat and pretend you don’t notice your devotion to it is a metaphor,  to ache to be kissed for the first time. On the lips. Under the orange glow of a streetlight, maybe. With music heard faintly in the distance and his hand pressed against the small of my back. Because I remember still, years and years later, that while we sang Happy Birthday to him in school and he walked around the class with a tray of cupcakes, I had a chance to tell him I thought he was special, and even if I never really did, I knew what I meant, and that’s still something to me.

stupid pins

16 Nov

I’m annoyed. I don’t even care. I’m not even annoyed. I’m not even anything. I think I just need food. I think I just need to be in a dark orange space where there is bread and alcohol. Just because. For fun. Or whatever. I have a Pinterest now, and it’s giving me anxiety. All I see are pictures when I close my eyes, pictures in five mile-long columns. And I have to organize them. I have to assign each of them a group with a clever name. But all of them are stupid and I think Pinterest will ruin me. I’m keeping it, anyway. I’ll visit it every other hour, anyway. Follow me, anyway, at


10 Oct


loving luca

22 Jun

I’m still recovering from those five days of using Kirkland Body Soap, scratching at my thighs, knees, and calves constantly, feeling like a gross crazy person who has sores covering her legs and picks at her broken skin, but other than that, I feel mostly fine I guess. I’m in the process of getting Zuko to forgive me for loving Luca. (As of thirty seconds ago, I decided that will be the new kitten’s name. She’s been responding to Kitty for two weeks already, but she’ll take to her new name if I say it enough. And I know Luca is a boy’s name and people on the Internet seem to be very adamant about keeping it so, but if the kitty turns out to be a boy contrary to what we’ve grown to think in this house, the name will work out well! And if not, it’s 2012, people.) Zuko is happy at bedtime when I close my door and she’s the only cat lying on the foot of my bed. I want her to remember that I love her just the same and no Luca will change any of that. It sort of breaks my heart that she often seems to think otherwise. A few days before Luca, while Zuko was asleep on my bed, I had a dream in which I kicked a girl in the face. It was a girl I barely know but already feel I shouldn’t trust, but that’s not what this is about. This is about my accidentally kicking Zuko through my dream and the guilt I have for hurting her. But she is fine and she forgave me and eventually she will love Luca too, but really, my dreams are violent and angry and there are obviously issues here that need to be dealt with.

the lonely grey cloud

17 Feb

there’s a still in the street outside your window

15 Aug

Another early night in Vegas. We walked a lot today and Daniel is tired. I hope he has enough sleep tonight for a late night tomorrow! I have high expectations for this trip. I must. I want to feel pretty and loved, and I want to be happy and free enough to dance, because no one knows me here.