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let’s catch up

17 Jan

Since my eye appointment in October, I’ve been getting migraines about once a month. Up from maybe two times a year, this is a lot. Too many. I’ll mention it at my next doctor appointment in February. Besides living in fear of that dreaded aura signaling a possible forty-eight hours of discomfort, things are good. How are things with you?

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a thanksgiving list

23 Nov

Here is a Thanksgiving list of ten of my favorite things in no particular order, maybe:

10. Watercolor. I’ve been painting a lot lately. I have an Etsy shop now, and I’ve made four sales! If I decide to sell it, my November work will be listed some time next month. Though it flatters me to be commissioned, it’s not one of my favorite things. The pressure of specific peoples’ expectations is tremendous!

9. Fall. I love Fall. Winter used to be my favorite season, but I realize now that Fall is so much better. It’s all the buildup of the Christmas season and none of the letdown. New Year’s Day is probably the most depressing holiday.

8. Netflix. TV with no commercials is my favorite kind of TV. It bugs me that I can’t catch the next season of Showtime’s Homeland on Netflix and that it only has the first season of Jane the Virgin, but in two days the world will be blessed with four more extra long episodes of Gilmore Girls, and that makes up for a lot. Also, I’m noticing that all of my favorite things so far have ended with a slightly negative comment, but I have to share now that I’ve been having, like, real anxiety about the new Gilmore Girls. First, it’s going to end. Again. Second, it will be different. It has to be, right? And I’m worried it will feel different and I’ll feel separate from it. A separate I’ve never felt with them before. Ugh. But I’m still mostly excited.

7. The Internet. I wish that the Internet was what it is now when I was in high school. I feel like I could have been better. With today’s Internet then, I could have cared less about being liked. I mean, I still would have cared, but it wouldn’t be so bad if I felt disliked, because there would have been a lot of people online who thought I was cool for it, I think. If they were there when I was in high school, there was still too big a chance they were Internet creepos Degrassi taught me to avoid.

6. Bubble Tea. Boba is good. I probably drink/eat too much of it. Bubble tea has been my special treat for, like, two years straight. Maybe three. We should get together some time and spend approximately fifteen minutes chatting over boba, kay?

5. My church. I like my church a lot. I feel like I could spend more time there than I do. It’s pretty much Christmastime, and it’s always so beautiful then. There’s always something more I could be doing to get involved and be closer to God, in general. That’s all.

4. Date nights! Daniel and I had the most amazing date last weekend. Time alone together now is extremely rare, so it is so wonderful when we get it and can truly connect. Also, the food was so good AND we got bubble tea after.

3. People. Sort of. I know most of the time it seems I’m trying to avoid them, and I am, but there are a small few I actually really like. I cancel plans, take too long to reply to text messages, and I’m a terrible friend. Still, these are the people in my life with whom I feel pretty close.

2. Milo. You know. He knows.

1. Daniel, duh. He’s so patient and kind and loving when I’m too often terse and annoyed. It is not lost on me how incredibly lucky I am to have been married to this man for three years!

 

if you are nice to them

26 Mar

retroblog032620157/10/1999

I learned that being a friend, takes a lot of time and commitment. We always were together. Being a friend is cool. You have to listen to your friends. You have to help them fix their problems. Your friends also will do the same if you are nice to them. You feel safer when you have a friend. It is nice to know that someone counts and you and that you can count on someone too.

store-bought ripped denim

9 Mar

I have a bad habit of combing through dusty memories and highlighting the bad parts or the questionable parts or the parts too nice to have been real. In high school I spent a lot of time in the same pair of tattered blue jeans. My favorite department store jeans, worn down at the knees and a little over my left thigh from years of near-exclusivity and misguided attempts at repair through safety pins run through the wash. As I was walking toward the cabins feeling sad about everything as I did back then at church camp in eleventh grade, one of the cool girls with store-bought ripped denim stopped me to say, “Hey, I like your jeans.” And it meant everything to me until I reached my bunk and decided she didn’t mean it. And that she probably really hated it. And she pitied me, really, because it looked like I was really trying. And with what I had, maybe I was. I’m thinking of it now for no good reason than to feel bad about things I don’t think make me feel all that bad anymore. I do it all the time, and I’d like to stop.

enough to become feline

24 Feb

It’s six in the morning, and we’re awake. Daniel reclines on the couch to keep me company. He scrolls through the news on his phone while I put on my makeup on the floor in the living room. After being scolded for gnawing the wires behind the TV, Zuko finds a spot in my lap to lie, look up at my reflection in the mirror, and knead my thigh with her claws. I cover my leg with a blanket to protect my skin, and she continues to stare. It’s probably real cat-person of me to think that she gets me, right? She sees me. She understands me. Someplace between my eyeliner and mascara, I ask Daniel if he thinks that somewhere in the world there are cats that used to be humans.

“No,” he said with little thought at all. No, he said, not to be smart or mean, not even laughing a little at my asking. Just, no, Jenni, I don’t think so.

And for all the magic he believes–love, gravity, twin telepathy–he doesn’t think it’s likely or possible, even, that there are cats in this world that weren’t always cats. That Zuko, in my lap, could never have been a young man with no one to love and no desire to be human anymore, just some magic enough to become feline, a small grey ball of fur in my arms almost five years ago, looking up at me with the sweetest green eyes and an expression that said she knows.

and tell you sorry for the mess

19 Feb

retroblog thursday

02262009retroblog

February 26th, 2009

Hello, self. I just wanted to let you know that it is quite possible that I am in like with Daniel C. He is so nice, and friendly, and tall, and has a sweet smile. It’s exciting to think about the possibility of him liking me too.

Princess thought he liked me. She mentioned it first. After church that Friday, a group of us went to Big City Diner for a late night meal. There was live music by the Saloon Pilots.

One time, I was looking past Daniel at the band. And when I was turning around to face the table again, I caught him looking at me. We made eye contact for a split second before we both turned away. I was embarrassed… for him, for me, for thinking that it could mean something more than what it probably was.

But it was more than just that one moment that made me feel something for this guy. It was the way he always knew I was there. He saw me, and that was just really nice. On the Tuesday after that, some of us went to town to catch a 3-D movie. Daniel was there. We sat beside together in the theater, and before the movie started, we turned to look at each other with our 3-D glasses on. We laughed.

That was my favorite part of the night.

I thought about him all week. I had butterflies all week, and I was already counting the days until they disappeared. That night I dreamt The X wanted to store some things in my house. I made him wait until I cleared my room of anything I didn’t want him seeing. Then I guess I let him in. Guess I let him leave his things. I know now what it meant.

people we don’t need

17 Feb

When I’d normally say get well, I told Wolf who was feeling sick this morning to get better, because I’m annoyed with the way he’s been lately, and I hope he improves. Get better. Be better. Sometimes I think I can trust him to be a good friend or just a good person, but other times I feel really dumb for falling for it. When I don’t think he’s actually kind or misunderstood, he seems like a total liar. I don’t know why I’m even trying to be close to him when he’s inviting me to hang out at his place alone and not agreeing to have just a normal conversation over lunch or something. Maybe it’s too much to ask that Wolf be honest with me who he barely knows, but it shouldn’t be. Maybe it’s a test of interest or commitment to have to peel back so much bullshit to find a real person, and if it is, I’ll probably quit. About a minute later, he sent a text back: “Yeah, thanks.”