this could be the end

15 Jan

retroblog thursday

January 13th, 2008.

Before The X was the ex, he was FutureX. And FutureX and I got in our first fight this year because I didn’t feel much like hanging out, and he did. Like, a lot. And what is wrong with me that I don’t want to hang out all the time like he does?

“Am I being punished by getting everything I’ve always wanted?” I mused. He likes me too much. He wants me too often. He can’t be without me. And I wanted that of Fireman when I was FutureX to him, and it’s sooo embarrassing now. I see why that didn’t work.


There are so many good things that come with being so loved, but I can’t deal with it right now.

Poet’s been going through a breakup, spending hours with me on the phone comparing his ex-girlfriend to Phoenix/Jean Grey. Jean Grey emailed to thank me for being a friend to Poet and to explain that she needed to fail at relationships with other people to confirm that she and Poet are Meant To Be. Which might not have been true, but made sense to me at the time. FutureX said that any relationship that is Meant To Be is going to take a lot of work. Poet knows this too. But is it really supposed to be like THIS?

I guess I’ll give FutureX a call now. I still don’t feel like hanging out, but I know it’ll make him happy and keep us from fighting for a little while longer. He’s always afraid I’ll break up with him, and I admit that I sorta feel like I’m looking for opportunities to get out. Poet didn’t call today, but he sent me an email about seeing Jean Grey earlier and having another heartbreaking conclusion. I tried to comfort him with something useless, but I’ve been consumed with the fight I had with FutureX and how each one wears me down just a little more.


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