getting over it again

17 Dec

Beside the state of my bangs and my polish-stained fingernails, I’ve been thinking a lot about things. I’ve asked God to be obvious with what he wants from me, specifically regarding my relationship with a boy I used to know. It’s clear God’s wishes don’t include the unrequited hostility I feel for him now, the contempt in my heart when I hear his name, the animosity I have toward anyone even slightly resembling him. So, I’ve addressed the issue, like, twenty times in the past six years at least, coming away each time feeling as though I’d done well, and I’m okay, and I still don’t like him but I don’t hate him, so, that’s progress, right? But I’d always regress, despising him more and more for fewer reasons that made sense to me anymore. For the most part, I think, they’re only stories now. True and absurd stories I hold to reinforce the hurt I know they caused. Like the plastic bag story–when, on the freeway back to his apartment, a plastic grocery bag flying above the traffic hooked itself to his car’s antenna and like a flag, waved violently in the wind. My laughing made him angry. He pulled onto a side street to detach the bag and scold me for not being sensitive to his shame. I still get a lump in my throat when I think of myself agreeing I was wrong, sitting stupid in his car, too afraid, too worn to fight. I’ve grown accustomed to recoiling when I talk about it, but my sores have scarred, and it stands mainly as a quintessential snapshot of the nature of our relationship.

It’s been on my heart to set things right, swallow, or settle, and I don’t even know what that means. I’ve been praying for clarity, but anticipating the many forms it may take worries me. Mostly… well, sometimes and only sort of, I hope we’ll be okay. The strength I get from the certainty of my contempt is enough to reconsider letting God interfere, but I know His plans are far greater than mine which are to gain popularity on Tumblr through ugly girl selfies and angst-ridden recollections from my twentieth year when a boy tore me down. Not much. For now I’m only asking, picking my nails and trimming my bangs over the trash can in the kitchen as I wait to hear my recommended course of action.


2 Responses to “getting over it again”

  1. Rick December 19, 2014 at 4:17 am #

    Jen, You certainly do have some deep thoughts. Time & distance from a situation usually brings clarity and acceptance, and sometimes even seeing it from a perspective you didn’t realize at the time.

  2. AC December 19, 2014 at 2:48 pm #

    You’re not the same person you were then. Give yourself a break and forgive yourself. Then maybe the hate/hurt will lessen.

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