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really do need advice about the sheer back

5 Dec

Sat in the office today and watched the vog cover the town, a thick grey volcanic ash like a hazy summer dream. And there was an oscillating fan blowing at the back of my head every six seconds because the air conditioner wasn’t working, which was terrible for such a damp and warm day. Listened to people talking about people and about company things, office things, boring things I won’t remember especially when I’m old, even when I’m so delirious I miss it and imagine myself back in my flimsy half-cubicle throwing around words and papers that mean so much to the company but so very little in the Big Picture. Thought deeply about Life, about Christmas, about mochi ice cream, and the really unhealthy cravings I’ve been having for sugar. Need to sort it out. Need to work it off. Went to the mall with Hot Fiance after work to buy a dress for his company’s Christmas party. Found one, the greenest dress I’ve ever worn, in fifty minutes and paid for most of it with a gift card from last Christmas. And now I need a bra acceptable for a sheer back, and I don’t know what to do. Need a girl to direct me, to find me a bra, to pick out my shoes. Because I walked into a store with a brightly lit wall of shoes in the back, and there were three other girls there, looking, picking, trying, all so naturally, so calmly, and I thought I could too. I thought I could walk up to the wall and touch something pretty and have it be fine and know what to do. But I mostly just wanted to cry, mostly could hardly breathe, mostly felt warm and out of place and wrong wrong wrong. Mostly kind of hate myself sometimes. Hot Fiance drove home and we talked about the vog, about work, about people.

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