breaking up and the x

11 Sep

I’m lying on my parents’ living room floor with my chin on a crocheted pillow, a stomach full of caramel popcorn, and at least fourteen mosquito bites on my pudgy legs from this past Sunday at Hot Fiance’s house where we celebrated his mom’s birthday. Despite the itching and three days of spoiled-brat-part-time-jobbing this week, I think I’ll be okay. I think I can manage to smile a little more, laugh, even, at the pages and pages of journal entries I found time to peruse earlier about an overbearing boyfriend who thought he should come over right away to discuss his feelings about my Myspace conversations with Explorer earlier that year and the way I failed to mention how very close we were to being just slightly more than friends. Like, sorry, The X.

Years and years later, I’d think that was significant. And people need to know about us. I’d think I should write my thoughts on the nearest Post-It and save it in my purse for the future when I can empathize with The X and remember driving through town one day after school, telling him how much of a Real Boyfriend he looked like when he wore his Ray-Bans.

I still have a hard time with that. When we were dating, I told him of a dream I had in which we were in some kind of open car on the highway with a white sheet above us, blowing in the wind. I could see the sun on his face, and he touched mine. We were laughing as he steered with his feet, and I felt safe and cool and as if I’d be happy there forever. Breaking up was my idea, but that didn’t mean I wasn’t hurt or angry for all the times he made me sit on the couch in his two-bedroom apartment picking the feathers out of his pillows while he told me the exact words I should have said to keep from upsetting him. It wasn’t nice, and I needed to be a lesbian or a murderer to vent my frustration.

And the anger makes me feel crazy, so I think I should write a story about a crazy person–a woman with a good man like Hot Fiance, reason to be upset, and the fear that her mind is no longer her own but a vessel for something she never meant to keep. But I’ll probably never write it, because all I know about being insane is so Hollywood or teenagery and every reason for illness I can imagine seems so trivial that it just makes me sick and embarrassed for whoever I believe he made me become.

I meant to have goals for this month. I wrote these down at work, but stuffed them at the bottom of my purse with all my other grand ideas because I’m not sure I can follow through and if I can’t, I don’t want to be reminded by a Post-It on my mirror that I didn’t. Hot Fiance is always supportive and suggested I take part in “Shaytember” which I was all for until it begun and all I could think of were stupid goals and Positivity, which I’m not even sure I agree with.

Breaking up with The X was a grueling process that took months. I remember telling him that I needed a holiday, and made sure he listened to this song. It was very twenty-ish and juvenile, but his insisting that I stay and my inability to forcefully disagree meant he’d have to listen to this and this and this and this (which was not a completely accurate representation of my feelings, but still expressed some of the feelings I could not rightly communicate) until he got the message. Suffice it to say, something worked, and the day I felt we were really broken up was the night he proposed, the night I saw he was the crazy one, the night he threw his cellphone to the pavement in the dark and drove away feeling pretty stupid.


96 Responses to “breaking up and the x”

  1. justanotherinsomniac September 13, 2012 at 8:06 am #

    This post made me sad.

    • jenibo September 13, 2012 at 8:41 am #

      It makes me sad, too!

      • justanotherinsomniac September 13, 2012 at 8:43 am #

        I suck at dealing with sad things but anyway aside from the sadness this is a nice read.

      • jenibo September 13, 2012 at 8:46 am #

        Thank you!
        Sadness is not an easy feeling to process. I hope I didn’t ruin your day!

      • justanotherinsomniac September 13, 2012 at 8:50 am #

        Absolutely no. Sadness is sometimes essential, to balance things, that thought oftentimes get me through. I had to deal with breakups but not as huge as what youre going through.

      • jenibo September 13, 2012 at 9:16 am #

        This happened years ago. I’m in a better place now. 🙂

  2. ctolle September 13, 2012 at 8:08 am #

    Reblogged this on ctolle.

    • ctolle September 13, 2012 at 9:04 am #

      Lady, I feel so connected to you right now, even though we have never met. It’s like you have watched me this year, then wrote it all down…only better than I would have.

      • jenibo September 13, 2012 at 9:22 am #

        I like that we can relate to each other, but it’s too bad it’s over something kind of rotten.

  3. Bubba & Mama September 13, 2012 at 8:12 am #

    Breaking up is not a decision one would come to in a day. It takes week’s of brooding and evaluating before the final good bye. Moving on is the tricky part, it can be both easy and difficult.

    • jenibo September 13, 2012 at 8:43 am #

      So true. It’s a process.

  4. ifigetmurderedinthecity September 13, 2012 at 9:01 am #

    Jeez. “…while he told me the exact words I should have said to keep from upsetting him” reminds me of why my ex left me.

    • jenibo September 13, 2012 at 9:18 am #

      Yeah. Those are some of the least helpful and constructive kinds conversations.

  5. food,mostly September 13, 2012 at 9:01 am #

    Sad yet beautiful. “…while he told me the exact words I should have said to keep from upsetting him” . There is something so relatable and stifling about that! The struggle for comfortable happiness countered with the uneasy yearning for freedom and the unknown is difficult indeed! Both are sad to give up.

    • jenibo September 13, 2012 at 9:19 am #

      In this case, the effort was not worth it. Luckily, I’ve found someone who lets me be free and happy at the same time!

  6. ifigetmurderedinthecity September 13, 2012 at 9:07 am #

    Reblogged this on ifigetmurderedinthecity and commented:
    I read a great post on a blog recently. It said, “Breaking up is a natural disaster that affects only two people.” I feel like my life has been typhoon-ed, but I started the wave. Everything feels washed away. I have had to rebuild my life three times in one year. The first time we broke up, I lost half of what I own and cherish (including my wife and dogs), and I had to find a new place to live. Then, I sold almost everything I own to move with her to New York City and start a new life together. Now that I have lost her, nothing else matters, and I have to rebuild a home from scratch. I feel like those idiots I see on TV who live in tornado alley and keep getting their lives destroyed because they are too dumb to move to a safer location. I hope this time I am smart enough to go where the weather can’t reach me.

    • mirrormon September 16, 2012 at 4:23 am #

      sad to have read this… hope life takes you to a better place where you don’t look back, and if you do then only at the fond memories of those who were once there and at the lessons well learnt…and not remember any losses … Good luck 🙂

    • kdunn5372 September 16, 2012 at 12:33 pm #

      I feel like I can relate to what you’re saying here in this comment. Starting over is scary and something I am going through right now. And now that I’ve lost him, nothing else seems to matter to me…..
      I am sorry you’re going through this.

  7. ashanam September 13, 2012 at 9:20 am #

    You don’t have to not upset people, do you? You can just break up and the other person can deal with it however they he or she thinks best. And you’re broken up when you decide you’re broken up. That’s what I got out of this, anyway.

    • jenibo September 13, 2012 at 9:27 am #

      Good advice. Easier said than done. I have a problem with trying to keep people happy and calm and notmadatme.

  8. Maulika Hegde September 13, 2012 at 9:31 am #

    I was listening to this song called “Leaving Town Alive” while reading your post. Its got a line “Life is for the living, the forgiven and for leaving town alive” Seemed fitting. Really nice post. 🙂

    • jenibo September 13, 2012 at 9:34 am #

      Thank you! That sounds like a nice song. I’m going to look it up now. 🙂

  9. Simple Heart Girl September 13, 2012 at 9:41 am #

    Breaking up sucks. I am in the middle of one. Or at least that’s what it feels like. But then I don’t know much of anything these days. Everyone tells me to walk away and forget him. Not so easy! It’s easy to say that when your feelings aren’t on the line. Or even involved. I feel like there is some sort of magnet that is keeping me to him. I try to walk away but I only get so far before I’m pulled back. I guess my light bulb moment hasn’t arrived yet. And who knows when it will. Yeah, breaking up sucks.

    • jenibo September 13, 2012 at 9:51 am #

      It does suck, and no one else will ever really understand your situation. But if I were to give you advice, it would be something mostly unhelpful and generic like: Be brave. Do what you have to do to be with someone who loves you the way you should be loved.

      • Simple Heart Girl September 13, 2012 at 10:05 am #

        People keep telling me that, but I’m finding it hard to believe he exists.

  10. rdrevilo September 13, 2012 at 10:20 am #

    Great Piece. Please feel free to check my blog out and follow @rdrevilo

  11. *flowerchild* September 13, 2012 at 10:42 am #

    I get it. I’m glad I wasn’t the only one.

  12. HummingsOfTheMind September 13, 2012 at 11:02 am #

    read this once through and thought it was a sad story, read it again and thought that there was a nice message in there too; breaking up does indeed hurt two people, so it’s important to not get all-consumed and if you think you’re going mad, there’s a pretty good chance you’re not alone!

    • jenibo September 14, 2012 at 10:40 am #

      It doesn’t feel that crazy if you’re among others who feel the same. That’s a nice thing.

  13. amommys2cents September 13, 2012 at 11:03 am #

    I can definitely relate. It wasn’t someone I was dating but a close friend. There were alot of jumbled emotions in my head and I tried my best to express myself without hurting the friend, but the friendship was over. I wish the conversation would have gone better, I felt like I was pouring myself out and she barely communicated emotion. It was very sad. But better off now 🙂

    • jennycantu September 13, 2012 at 9:41 pm #

      Wow. This is the boat I’m in right now. Praying for wisdom to figure it out or deal with it as it comes.

    • jenibo September 14, 2012 at 10:42 am #

      Breaking up with a friend is really hard too, but like with any relationship, it’s not always worth it to keep people around.

  14. Uncategorized Me September 13, 2012 at 11:43 am #

    It makes me sad when I am reading this, it does really remind me about my ex and our breakup.

    • natashabello September 13, 2012 at 5:01 pm #

      This makes me sad’s deep. Reblogged on My Eyes My Lens

  15. ciaobellamiastory September 13, 2012 at 11:48 am #

    all there really is to say is, amen.

  16. heyinfinity September 13, 2012 at 12:10 pm #

    shaytember! yes!

    • jenibo September 13, 2012 at 12:23 pm #

      A fellow Rebellionite?! Yay!

  17. alienredqueen September 13, 2012 at 12:20 pm #

    Recovering from a damaging relationship can take years even after the initial “disaster” has passed. Not only did my “big X” leave lasting scars, but I turned into someone I didn’t want to be while we were still together. But I learned some valuable lessons that helped me put my foot down in the future when I needed to.

    • jenibo September 13, 2012 at 12:26 pm #

      Yes. Even now, years later, there are parts of myself that still need fixing from that period. It’s nice to hear that you learned from your experiences and seem to have grown.

  18. Lu September 13, 2012 at 12:52 pm #

    Breaking up is never fun! Great post, love the pics! Congrats on Freshly Pressed!

    • jenibo September 14, 2012 at 10:42 am #

      Thank you, thank you!

  19. Jean September 13, 2012 at 2:28 pm #

    So where are you in life right now?

    • jenibo September 14, 2012 at 10:47 am #

      I’m in a wonderful place now! Hot Fiance is so good to me.

  20. Teju September 13, 2012 at 4:05 pm #

    trust me, breaking up is never easy esp. if genuine feelings were involved… this post was a nice read though made me feel low…

  21. S.C. September 13, 2012 at 4:54 pm #

    I had a pretty ugly breakup a while ago. The truth was I had never loved my girlfriend, and it got to the point where we were off and on and I just had to finally shake her off. We were both at fault there.

    After that, I pledged to myself that I’d never fall in love with anyone like she had, but that I’d look for a genuinely good and stable match. Both men and women are driven crazy over these feelings, and I don’t want to be caught in this kind of situation on either end again.

  22. deliveryfolktales September 13, 2012 at 4:57 pm #

    Wow yeah that made me feel pretty low too :\ we’ve all been there. Keep that chin up. There are billions of other out there who’d be lucky to have someone so deep.

    • jenibo September 13, 2012 at 5:26 pm #

      I have Hot Fiance, and he is wonderful!

  23. natashabello September 13, 2012 at 4:58 pm #

    Reblogged this on My Eyes My Lens and commented:
    #deep #sad

  24. mister1976 September 13, 2012 at 5:33 pm #

    Glad to see your in a better place always will be a lesson learned from an X

  25. cutecuteysao September 13, 2012 at 5:53 pm #

    Reblogged this on chryzalynmaeysao and commented:
    we have the same fear, being childless in the future.. hahaha! it may sound really crazy but indeed, i would die to have a kid coming from me literally..

    breaking up, well, that is something not unusual, there is someone out there for u! smile gorgeous! the world is blessed to have you!! 🙂

    • jenibo September 14, 2012 at 10:48 am #

      Thank you so much. 🙂

  26. Scintillatebrightly September 13, 2012 at 6:30 pm #

    Sad to say but I think we all need at least one truly awful shitty relationship to understand exactly what we don’t need or want in a relationship, and to appreciate exactly what we do want in one. I’m glad you got through. It took a long time to work through mine and every once in a while I still relive it just to remind myself of the stupidity of my own actions.

    This was a good post. Deeper than I thought it would be at first and one I will remember for a while.

    • jenibo September 14, 2012 at 10:51 am #

      I feel that I am still recovering from this breakup, but I have learned a lot about what I want and don’t want in a relationship.

      • Scintillatebrightly September 14, 2012 at 1:54 pm #

        And that’s exactly why we all need at least one shitty relationship. Of course, this realization typically only comes years later, but its a good one to have.

  27. meromusings September 13, 2012 at 10:35 pm #

    Yes, unfortunately breaking up is a sad process but what I’ve learned is that breaking up provides a clear understanding of your own life and what you want from it, it makes things clear…although at the beginning you might be denying all the positives that the end of a bad relationship brings….

    • jenibo September 14, 2012 at 10:52 am #

      Yeah, it’s a learning experience. I like to think I’ve grown from it. 🙂

  28. atique007 September 13, 2012 at 10:46 pm #

    We look before and after and pine for what is not/
    Our sincerest laughter with some pain is fraught./
    Our sweetest songs are those that tell of saddest thought.

    P.B. Shelley

    • jenibo September 14, 2012 at 10:53 am #

      That’s a nice poem!

      • atique007 September 14, 2012 at 5:19 pm #

        Thank you very much.

  29. Sandy Sue September 14, 2012 at 12:37 am #

    Your story’s narrator doesn’t need to be a lesbian or crazy–just you. Or at least the part of you that was scared and overwhelmed. I’d read that story in a heartbeat.
    (BTW, most people can’t do “crazy” very well. At least not truthfully enough for those of us who really do suffer from mental illness. But, I know a couple of good books you can read for research if you’re serious.)

  30. celiatillet September 14, 2012 at 1:06 am #

    Hi, I’ve not seen your blog before, but I love your post-it note presentation! A sad topic, but I’m so glad that you’re not the sort of person who gives up easily. We all have our own ways of getting through difficult times. Sometimes just writing the list of things to do is motivating enough, even if you never do them!

    • jenibo September 14, 2012 at 10:54 am #

      Yes, I have many lists of things I need to do, but most of them are never crossed out. It’s helpful, somehow, to write them down.

  31. twinravens2000 September 14, 2012 at 3:04 am #

    A beautifully written piece with equally beautiful pictures: a wonderful work of art. Thanks for sharing.

  32. bootsandhearts September 14, 2012 at 5:09 am #

    You’re a wonderful writer.
    This is sad, but also seems to possibly lead to a better and happier future.

  33. Me September 14, 2012 at 5:16 am #

    I love your style of writing. This is a powerful post that touches everyone that reads it because we can all relate. It’s like a great song that you hear and think “that is so perfect and simply put, why didn’t I create that?” Very nice! Congrats on your future wedding!

    • jenibo September 14, 2012 at 10:55 am #

      Thank you! I like that you can relate. It’s good to not be alone.

  34. zachbissett September 14, 2012 at 6:44 am #

    You really should write these stories. Not only is the writing atmospheric (the post AND the post-its), like a half-dream, half-indie movie scene, but the structure of the post is so intriguing. The structure, not the content, reminds me of Junot Diaz’s short stories. I loved it.

    Slightly OT but you should check out “The Bell Jar” if you haven’t. Slowly chronicles Sylivia Plath’s dive into insanity/depression. Not exactly the most uplifting literature but it definitely gives some insight into a crazy person’s mind.

  35. madhaus7 September 14, 2012 at 8:29 am #

    A good post but one that I don’t feel good about after reading, for reasons intended in the material. I wish you the best of luck with stay positive but more importantly, writing about your feelings. Have you ever read Sylvia Plath’s The Bell Jar? I just read it and the story idea you had was relatively similar as the lead character in the book slowly descends into very real insanity. I’d highly recommend it but prepare to be depressed. Thank you for sharing your very personal details!

  36. msmariann September 14, 2012 at 11:36 pm #

    Reblogged this on Rhythm Of The Heart and commented:
    No one get survive a painful breakfast, just no one

  37. miaka1977j September 15, 2012 at 1:19 am #

    This is beautiful and rings so true. It’s a hard thing, but I appreciate fully that this was so long ago and now you are in a better place. It’s kinda like the rainbow after the hurricane. Thank you.

  38. There for a reason's Rachel September 15, 2012 at 5:11 am #

    I recently had a young lad in my wider friendship circle facebook me from half a world away for help processing similar break-up thoughts. It’s always hard, isn’t it?

  39. smcdoug1 September 15, 2012 at 5:42 am #

    Sometimes it’s best to witness being alone and without a person, in order to figure out what truly makes you happy. Good luck!!!

  40. bloggingcrazy101 September 15, 2012 at 5:44 am #

    Wow… never knew this was what breaking up was like…

    • mybloopers September 15, 2012 at 9:17 am #

      I didn’t know ontil it happent for me 2 weeks ago, i wrote about it in my blog. i wish i never had to know.

  41. Jeremy Truitt September 15, 2012 at 2:33 pm #

    So i’ve been married for 9 years and am very happy….it sort of sucks to come back to what the breakup is like… 😦

  42. linamay September 15, 2012 at 3:02 pm #

    Beautifully written. Why does it sometimes take so long for someone else to hear what we’ve been saying all along?

  43. allworldissues September 15, 2012 at 3:05 pm #

    So cool of you to share. I like your ideas and your writing. I think you shouldnt keep the post it notes at the bottom of your purse, bring them out and stick them in an ‘ideas journal’ who knows maybe you will come back and re-visit the idea.

  44. wonderbea September 15, 2012 at 5:03 pm #

    Reblogged this on Gritty, Geeky & Up-Close and commented:
    All these feelings. I can relate.

  45. Alice September 16, 2012 at 12:58 am #

    Loved this post. x

  46. mirrormon September 16, 2012 at 4:43 am #

    its true breaking up is a process… a lot of evaluations, put offs, and a lot of u not remaining urself happens before you can really take a step… I dont see any other possible way that I could’ve handled things, but I still carry this weight on my shoulders of the hurt i’ve caused… just like I wudnt want to be in their place, where they ended it on me while i felt something, but I do feel guilty about always being the one to break it…to cause all the hurt… but then while writing this it occured to me, that may be its because I believe I need certain qualities in men…and I believe in my freedom… and may be u never know i might get through…and eventually be with someone who i am at ease with, and at complete peace with…where I feel like I am getting way more than i m letting go…
    but yes it hurts on the either end whether its ur decision or the other person’s.. I hope we all learn the valuable lessons from these experiences and throw away the bitterness and negativity… it does take a while… its been more than half a year but the first things on my mind before i open my eyes in morning are the bad things i had to deal with in my last one… hope i’ll see my light soon 🙂
    good post, i m sure everyone can relate one way or the other

  47. liveinyourtruth September 16, 2012 at 11:53 am #

    Beautiful, raw and real.

  48. kdunn5372 September 16, 2012 at 12:37 pm #

    I really like the way you write out your blog. It’s pretty neat, but on another note, I’m in the middle of a break up, well not in the middle, it has already happened and I’m the one who had to move out, find a new place, and start all over. After almost 9 years with him, it’s been really hard trying to figure out who I am. I didn’t realize I based so much of my happiness on him. And these past 6 months we’ve been broken up, I have reserved almost 2 months to trying to get him back and for what reason? We weren’t good together at all. I just don’t know how to let go of him. He wants us to be really good friends, but how can I do that knowing how I feel for him. It’s not fair, is it? I’m really sorry I just dumped all of this on you, but it felt good to get it out.
    I am happy that you’re happy now with the new guy. 🙂

    • jenibo September 16, 2012 at 1:16 pm #

      I hate that you’re going through this, and I wish there was something I could do or say to make it less painful, but you’ve probably already realized no one is quite *that* helpful. Still, even without knowing you or your entire relationship situation, I’m nearly certain that it will get better! Not helpful. I know.

      • kdunn5372 September 16, 2012 at 5:51 pm #

        It’s okay. I’m going to be fine. I know I will be. It just hurts right now, but after this I’m sure I will eventually find someone who will treat me right. I have faith in myself and my life.

  49. Lettuce Beef September 16, 2012 at 2:52 pm #

    I’ve been there. Break ups are always so ugly. I am glad you are in a better place, as am I 🙂

    • jenibo September 16, 2012 at 3:42 pm #

      This is good to hear. I’m glad we’re both better now. 🙂

  50. PrettyGee September 16, 2012 at 11:06 pm #

    Reblogged this on PrettyGee.

  51. Molly September 17, 2012 at 6:25 am #

    thank you for this post…it’s nice to know how everyone feels going through a break up. break ups suck.

  52. TheGuyLeftBehind September 18, 2012 at 1:18 am #

    Re blogged! Mix emotions over here! Awesome post!
    Hope you visit mine too!

  53. TheGuyLeftBehind September 18, 2012 at 1:19 am #

    Reblogged this on TheGuyLeftBehind and commented:
    Got me badly. Aren’t you too? 🙂

  54. esonskiton September 18, 2012 at 3:50 pm #

    this kind of experience either make or break us.
    it seems that you got over the experience well
    thanks for sharing 🙂

  55. mayalfred September 19, 2012 at 7:06 am #

    Good Read…I loved the drama and the presentation of the scenes..

  56. theworshipwarriorbride September 20, 2012 at 11:03 pm #

    You deserve to be FreshlyPressed. 🙂
    Nice post, sad but true story.

    Moving on is like taking little steps of pain to real freedom and victory.

    Go girl! Someone deserves you better 🙂

    • jenibo September 21, 2012 at 6:59 am #

      Aww, you are so nice. Thank you!

  57. rblend September 21, 2012 at 2:13 am #

    Reblogged this on Confidently Going Forward and commented:
    Beautifully written.

  58. Happiness is... September 23, 2012 at 6:53 am #

    Thanks for this post. Breaking up whilst still being in love is the most cruel thing. I hope the broken hearts out there take solace in the fact there are many people in the same situation…we just have to find a way to cope, be happy with ourselves, and fall in love again.

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