part of me believing it was always something that i’d done

24 Apr

I think–I think I may have a problem. You see, three nights ago, I had another strange dream that involved a lot of blood and a disembodied hand. It also involved smashing the hand under my shoes on the bathroom floor and feeling uneasy when I left it there, in a pool of blood, without having chopped it up into tiny pieces or finding another way to kill it completely that is less likely to grow into as many full hims as the pieces I’d made from the hand that was whole. Because IT MIGHT GET AWAY. Downstairs, I got the feeling that something was wrong, so wrong, and the hand was not actually dead and had escaped. I ran to the bathroom hoping to find that I was wrong, but I was right, and in the pool of blood where the hand should have been was only more blood.
And I didn’t even tell you about the dream I had months ago in which I savagely stabbed bad guys in the face with a kitchen knife on a subway train. I don’t even know where these things come from. I am a Good Girl, guys! I don’t really want to kill people.
But there is this hate/fear thing I have that may or may not be eating my brain. And maybe, it’s time to deal with it For Real, because whatever I tried before, three or more years ago, didn’t work. It obviously was not forgiveness. But I can’t imagine it being forgiveness this time, either. So. Well–I can concentrate on other things like writing more, and eating better, being happy and content with all the other wonderful things I have. Yeah. Good plan.


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