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this would be the preface

20 Feb

I watched The Vow last night and it made me rethink my hair color, bangs, the way I wear my eyeliner, and my rich preppy friends. But, yes, I enjoyed it as much as I could. It was sweet and heart-wrenching and filled with pretty people.

Three years ago today, I’m pretty sure I fell in love with Daniel. Although my journal entry plays it down a bit, I think I was just being prideful and strong, desperately trying to keep my feet on the ground, when I wrote: “Hello, self. I just wanted to let you know that it is quite possible that I am in like with Daniel.” Because I knew that I liked him. And I eventually realized how it was more than liking. I went crazy for him late on a Friday night in the patio area of Big City Diner in Kailua, on a corner of a table of ten or twelve friends, talking about my Garden Burger over the Saloon Pilots, a bluegrass band playing six feet away. Daniel was beautiful, so nice, and tall. We made eye contact for a split second before we both turned away. I was embarrassed. For him. For me. For thinking it could mean something more than it probably did. We talked a lot and aside from the potential romance of a half-second glance, his knowing that I was there, that I actually existed in the same space as he did, that he spoke to me like I was special, was what made me see that I was completely lost to him.
I like to remember that night and how new and exciting everything was. I actually enjoyed, in a really masochistic/romantic sort of way, wondering if he might possibly want to hold my hand or get an Icee together. And I think it’s important to remember, for me to remember, that This isn’t lost. The First Feelings, glee and wonder and that god-awful new-love pain in the pit of my stomach, they happened, and I can keep them with me forever. What I feel for him now, this comfortable love–frizzy hair, bra-less, stay-at-home-movie-night, eat until I’m actually full, cry over a stomach ache–this is Something too.

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5 Responses to “this would be the preface”

  1. carlarenee45 February 20, 2012 at 9:19 pm #

    I remember having that “feeling” when I first met my ex-husband. It was nice and it was real. Even though we have been divorced for almost 20 years, there still is something. Not love or romance, but like we still ask the kids about each other and still worry about one another. I have never had that feeling with anyone else to that extent.

    • jenibo February 20, 2012 at 9:23 pm #

      It is real. I’m glad you said that. Because sometimes when we get older and those times get further away, we think we might have imagined them. But we have to respect our memories.

  2. L February 20, 2012 at 9:53 pm #

    “And I think it’s important to remember, for me to remember, that This isn’t lost.”

    Love this line. I experienced those feelings so easily when I was a teenager. Now, in my 20s, I wonder if that was just me being naive.

    • jenibo February 20, 2012 at 10:06 pm #

      But you shouldn’t feel that your naivety makes it any less real. I used to wonder the same about what I felt when I was a teenager, but like I said to the previous commenter, we have to respect our memories. It happened. And at the time, it was SO real. It shouldn’t be any less real now that we’ve grown.

  3. Wendy February 21, 2012 at 5:58 am #

    🙂

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