valentine’s eve with jordan catalano

13 Feb

Tomorrow is Valentine’s Day. I try not to get too caught up in the excitement of the holiday that I’d actually lost sleep over in my younger years. It’s embarrassing, but enough time has passed for me to see how silly I’d been.

During my senior year of high school, I was in a relationship with a boy for almost five months. It was SERIOUS. I mean, it was serious to me. I guess the moment I figured that out was the turning point. When I realized how he (let’s call him Jordan Catalano) had other things on his mind when mine was only concerned with him, I’m certain now that I went Crazy. Like, Real Crazy. I can admit to this now because I’m older, because I’m in a healthy relationship with a boy who loves me, because I have grown and Jordan Catalano no longer makes me crazy.
Most of my memories of this time are fuzzy, because they were too upsetting to deal with. I do, however, recall writing him long letters with block quotes and parenthetical documentation from my personal diary. At the time, it made sense to tell him how much I thought of him to get him to think more of me. In my mind, it wasn’t at all creepy. Only endearing. I wanted a boy to be so romantic to do the same! I’m not sure if this is in my defense, but although we called each other boyfriend/girlfriend, we weren’t. He called more often before we were together. Before I went bat shit crazy. During our five months together, we probably saw two or three movies. We hugged, like, twice. And our hands never even touched. I wanted it to happen. I wanted it SO BAD. But I still wasn’t crazy enough to do it myself.
He was the kind of person who would get up on stage during chapel and dance in front of the entire student body. When we were dating, he wore a real fireman’s suit to school and spent most of the day in the principal’s office warding off a suspension. He was funny and brave, and popular because of it. I admired him for being fearless. So when he sat me down after school at a table near the lockers and said, “I think we should just be friends,” I should have felt a little more powerful for scaring away the bravest boy I knew. But instead, I nodded and agreed in a way I knew everyone could see right through. And before the water from my eyes overflowed to my cheeks, I told him I had to go and hid in the bathroom, because that’s what I’d seen girls do on TV.
It’s funny, right? I may not have had much practice with romantic relationships beforehand, but I thought I knew better. I’m not even going to tell you about the months after the breakup where I tried to do the Jordan-who? thing. And then the I-don’t-care-and-I-hate-you thing. And then the text messages I sent him quoting Gwen Stefani: “After all that we’ve been through, I know we’re cool.” With a smiley. Years after that, I alternated between Cool and Jordan-who, because if I ever saw him at a party or something, I’d want him to see that I’m all right. I’m not crazy anymore. I’m pretty chill. And I’m not going to, like, send him the link to this blog entry on Facebook or anything. But if he reads this, that’s fine. I mean, I kind of want him to see this and to know what he thinks, but I’m not going to print it out and slip it under his door, if that’s what you were thinking.


2 Responses to “valentine’s eve with jordan catalano”

  1. Wendy February 13, 2012 at 10:24 pm #

    OMG memoriesssss

  2. carlarenee45 February 14, 2012 at 12:42 am #

    They say hind-sight is 20/20 lol. I know I have done some crazy things in the name of “love” that I thought were completely noble. I am glad you have a good healthy relationship now. Happy valentines day! lol

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