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laughing in the open air

16 Jan

So, about right now, what do I want to feel? Sometimes, I feel like I have an option. If I had the option yesterday, I chose wrong. But I really can’t recall any choices. I knew I’d see my friends later that night, and that gave me a nice warm feeling. So when Daniel got home from work and we left the house for his car, even though I was feeling ugly, I was hopeful that it would be a good night. But somewhere in the driveway, someplace in the dark of 8:47pm, something changed.

In the car, as we sped to the restaurant in town and some of our favorite people, we listened to some of my favorite songs and I sang along. It was just a little feeling then–a hint–that the night was not quite as happy anymore. And I thought, because it’s sometimes true, that if I sang loud enough and if I held Daniel’s hand tight enough, I could beat it and save us all.
The restaurant was noisy, and I could only hear snippets of the conversations at our table. I smiled, because I knew I should. And I loved them. Each friend, individually. And I knew how lovely it was for us to be together. But I felt far away. Along with the noise, a thick grey bubble seemed to separate me from them. I seemed to move slower and talk quieter, and when we laughed, I was suddenly aware of my lips and my eyes and the way they seemed forced to their positions.
I could hardly speak. I tried, and I felt I said enough to seem normal. Still, my attempts to overcome the distance between us were unsuccessful. I thought I should find an empty stall in the bathroom to cut myself open to see if I was asleep. But doing that would mean I needed attention. That I was fifteen again and nothing in this world was mine. I’ve grown up. I’ve matured. And people who need to bleed to feel something annoy me.
We went home, and I slept. I still haven’t woken up, but I’m certain it will happen some time.

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4 Responses to “laughing in the open air”

  1. carlarenee45 January 16, 2012 at 9:24 pm #

    I know that feeling, it sucks

  2. Briana Lau January 16, 2012 at 9:38 pm #

    We noticed :/ I didn’t like seeing that you weren’t really having fun 😦 I’m sorry..

    We’ll have to hang out again and make up for it, ok? I’ll plan better. More in advance. A game night is next! It shall be fun 🙂

    • jenibo January 16, 2012 at 9:51 pm #

      I still love you. 🙂 And it’s not anyone’s fault. I am looking forward to hanging out again!

  3. ZachsGoals January 19, 2012 at 9:29 am #

    This reminds me of a time when I was out with friends and my girlfriend at the time, I was stressed out because my relationship seemed to be falling apart and everytime I planned something or tried to cheer her up and have fun it would fall apart. So that night I was determind on having a good time because my two best friends (who were a couple and are now married) and another good friend, his fiance, and his brother were with us and for a while it seemed like all was well. I almost was able to forget about all the stuff that kept my stomach in knots all the time, but then I would see her face and know she wasn’t happy. It killed me at the time, but latter i realized why it was like that. We were on our way home and all I heard was how she didn’t feel liked be the group and how I don’t care enough about her. I remember how all my friends tried to warn me about what she really was doing when I wasn’t around and I didn’t listen because I wanted to trust her. A few weeks later she left me and was with someone else the next day.

    That’s just the closest I’ve felt that way..

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