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those charcoal veins

9 Jan

I was in a shop. A little shop filled with glass figurines. Some were plastic, but I was still careful not to break them. He was there. I couldn’t see him right away, but I always know when he’s around. I could feel it in my stomach. Under my skin. He made me nervous. Uneasy. Afraid, even, because I felt that if he wanted, he could kill me. All the fear I held gathered together in my fists and my throat and made me feel stronger. I was angry. My hate was a weapon, and when he finally stood where I could see him in the shop, I let him have it.

But then, my hate was Bo Burnham in black sweats and a hoodie. Bo put one arm around my shoulder and used his other to deliver a solid punch to my ex-boyfriend’s throat. It was a beautiful moment.

I didn’t say anything, but in my mind I was standing over him shouting, “That’s for always giving me the burnt Garden Burgers. For making me cry every time we disagreed. For proposing with a ring  you bought off the Internet weeks after we’d broken up. For making me afraid of you. For that time you actually said you were better than me. For everything you did to make me believe it.”

And while I was delighting in his pain and my brief triumph, he stood up and asked, “Why am I here?”
I didn’t have an answer.
“All you’re going to do is hate me.”

Then I woke up.

Until then, he’d always been chasing me. I’d stand and fight if I had to, but it had always been most crucial that I run. Run away from the monster.

I guess now is when I realize that I’m holding on to something that is, in most ways, over. I can stop hating him. I can move on. But, it’s not really that easy. I’m not like, constantly thinking of how much he makes me sick. But I think that feeling has permanently attached itself to me. And even if it’s not permanent, it will cost a lot to get rid of.

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2 Responses to “those charcoal veins”

  1. Chris Kimoto January 9, 2012 at 11:54 pm #

    🙂
    Jen…u rock..simply said 🙂

    • jenibo January 11, 2012 at 11:09 pm #

      Thaaannksss, Chris. :]

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