i couldn’t stay away, i couldn’t fight it

26 Oct

I don’t think my hands are dirty, but they don’t feel as clean as they were just after I washed them five minutes ago. My skin often gets too dry from over-washing, so I will refrain at least until I’ve published this blog entry.

Today was surprisingly not-horrible. Since my car has been having issues, Daniel drove me to work. I didn’t pack a lunch so he took me to Subway first. I entered the establishment independently, and I felt good about it. I rarely do things like this alone, because I don’t do it often enough to feel comfortable. And when I am uncomfortable, I am anxious, and I sweat, and I stutter, and I trip on my own feet, and I say stupid things, and I embarrass myself to the point where I am sure that the best place for me to be, is alone in my house, where I can safely and comfortably interact with the world through my computer. But today, for some reason, I felt brave and accepted the challenge. The Subway lady, however, tried to sabotage me!

“The bread is not ready,” she said.
“Okay,” I said automatically. Then I stood there for a few more seconds before I realized there was nothing else she could do for me if there was no bread. She didn’t seem to be looking for anything to do for me anyway. So I left.

I was about to go back to the car to sulk to Daniel, but the thought of telling the ladies at work that I didn’t have lunch and I was too afraid to do something different and buy something during my lunch break drove me to turn into Safeway, the next door to the left. This was big. This was scary. I don’t like to go places alone. I especially do not like to go to supermarkets alone. I don’t like places where people have special cards and memberships, and where there is a routine that everyone else seems to know when they’re at the register. If I went in to buy some tomatoes or cheese, I might have died. But the deli is a little less intimidating. I ordered a turkey sandwich, and then I left. It helped, also, that the guy behind the counter seemed flustered and new. I was not alone, and my incompetence as a customer probably made him feel better about himself. You’re welcome, Ian from the deli.

Having something tasty to look forward to for lunch is very helpful. One should not underestimate the power of good food.

Work was not as bad as usual. I moved more, and different people said hello and goodbye to me today. These little things make me happy, and I feel foolish for being affected so. But I try not to keep too much from you. Eventually, I believe, I will tell even my deepest secrets.

I wish there was something people wanted from me. I write about many things here, but I want people to want for me to tell them something. Something good!


4 Responses to “i couldn’t stay away, i couldn’t fight it”

  1. Skye Turner October 27, 2011 at 7:15 am #

    I actually kind of remember feeling the same way when I ate at subway for the first time. I was nervous because there were so many different choices and I didnt know the order of how things worked. Of course that was in 8th grade or something…but still! I feel that I’ve experienced these same silly emotions that you get now, just at an earlier age I guess. Now I dont get so nervous trying something new and admitting to the workers that I’m a first timer or whatever. But! Progress is progress! So good job.

    • jenibo October 30, 2011 at 6:00 pm #

      Thanks, Skye!
      I’m usually pretty comfortable at Subway, though. Since 11th grade, I’ve been ordering the exact same sandwich. I’m could go pro!

  2. Matty October 27, 2011 at 2:57 pm #

    Good job on the sandwich switcheroo.

    I once read a book about how to be less shy, and one of the suggestions was to go into a store and -intentionally- make a mistake. Like, going into a Subway and ordering a Big Mac. You could start small by handing the person not enough change or something.

    The point is that if you’re self-conscious about making a mistake, you go in there and make it a big one that *you control* to find out what happens, and you realize that -nothing- happens, and then you aren’t nervous about it any more.

    Is it time for the return of the “one wish challenge”? If you bring it back, this will be my challenge to you, so be ready. 😀

    I like reading about whatever you like to write about, but if you want a specific request… I don’t know… tell us about your favorite Halloween. It’s the most wonderful time of the year!

    • jenibo October 30, 2011 at 6:03 pm #

      So, did the book help you? Have you completed that exercise? It makes sense, but I would really need to plan everything out. It seems I’d need a bit of psyching.

      I’m embarrassed about the OWC. I realize when I do things that might apply to it, but I don’t want other people to remember that time I was so sure I was going to change.

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