your match is lit, but it’s burning slow

12 Oct

I felt like I was planning to kill someone. I had a goal, a picture in mind. I had a method of attack. A new method. No, another method. I had several different options to choose from once the time came. I imagined writing to you about it later, how I’d been bold and reckless and how terrifying and liberating it all was.

But it doesn’t matter now, seeing as how my attempt to quit my job was thwarted.

I am sad! I am so very sad.

One of my least favorite things to talk about is my job. But it my resentment for it has made it the biggest thing in my life, and although I almost can’t bear to write more of it, I can’t think of anything else to say.
I’ve decided that what I want most from a job, more than money or fame or knowledge or power, is happiness. Naturally, either of those could make me happy to some extent, and wanting happiness isn’t a new or profound idea. But while some people are driven by their longing for money, fame, knowledge, or power, I just want to have fun. I hate that having a fun job is impractical and wanting one makes me stupid, childish, and lazy.
I hate to say this sort of thing, but I can’t imagine living like this for much longer.
I know what it sounds like–I know I just imitated an angsty teenager on the brink of suicide, but the sentiment is more or less the same. Well, kind of. I’m not going to kill myself, but I will be dead if the only thing motivating me in my work is money. I need new work. And I need a legitimate excuse (something that will make sense to the more pragmatic folk) to quit my current job.
If I could be that girl who sits on her living room floor with a pen, wearing the same blue jeans she wore the day before, drawing the creatures she dreamed about last night, I would be happy. If I had only to complain about writer’s block or about the characters in my story not doing or saying the right things, I might not sound it, but I would be happy.

My brain is still battling itself to determine which side to act upon, but if Dreams defeats Reality, I’ll need something to say to my boss when I go to work on Friday. I know that “I QUIT!” is really popular on TV, but it seems rude and I still want to be nice. If you have any ideas, please leave a comment below. Also, I’m guessing that “I’m following my dreams” won’t fly well either.


5 Responses to “your match is lit, but it’s burning slow”

  1. Briana Lau October 12, 2011 at 10:12 pm #

    it’s not impractical to want a job that is fun. I want that too. I just don’t really know what job that might be 😦 if only it were easier to find that dream job..

    if your job really isn’t working out, it’s okay to quit. I’m getting tired of mine. It’s been a year already. I like it sometimes, but other times I hate it. I’m glad I learned what I have over the past year, but I think its time for change in 2012. So, I’m a little nervous about how to say I want to quit.. but I think I’ll say that a few things have led me to my decision. ok well, I don’t really know how to say it nicely and professionally, but I think my boss kinda knows. since I started school again.. You can just say that first of all, you are very grateful that you got this job and have learned a lot, but it isn’t working out because you need to find full time work in your career field. just need to pursue a job that is related to your your degree that you have just earned. Right? You want to find a job related to writing or drawing and you also hate the things the have to do at your job currently. haha πŸ™‚

    I would say that it shouldn’t be bad to use that as an excuse to quit, that this job is only part time and/or because mainly it isn’t in your field of choice..

    Good luck! You can do it! Change is good πŸ™‚

    • jenibo October 13, 2011 at 8:16 am #

      Going to school is a good reason to quit your job.
      I’ve actually contemplated going back, JUST so I’d have a good reason to quit my job. But I vaguely remember a time when I hated school so much, I wished to be working instead. Hmm… now I’m confused.

  2. Skye Turner October 13, 2011 at 4:15 am #

    Definitely go with the “I QUIT!” method!

    Nah. I’m sure a simple two weeks notice letter would suffice. Its not the first time someones left the company, I’m sure they could handle it without hating you. I wouldnt mind taking your place! Haha.

    Did I ever mention to you how lucky you are? Just the fact alone that you have the option of quitting your job before finding a new one is so, so, so lucky! You should do something awesome for your parents. You really, really should. I think thats part of the reason that money isnt a bigger factor in your career choice. I dont want to be motivated so heavily by money, but I have to because my family and I need it. I know y’all arent filthy rich, but you are blessed. Go thank them right now. Haha! And then go do what makes you happy!

    • jenibo October 13, 2011 at 8:18 am #

      Yeah. I am lucky that my parents are still working so hard to provide for me. My dad has been working two full-time jobs for over ten years. But even if they weren’t providing for me, and Daniel and I were on our own, I feel that I’d rather be living in a shabby little apartment doing what I love than have a job that I didn’t think was fun.

      • Skye Turner October 13, 2011 at 10:51 am #

        But do you think you could even afford a shabby little apartment? Its so hard now days. I’ve looked into it and even the smallest apartments in the shadiest towns are more than I could afford. Its really sad. Of course I know what you mean about rather loving your job than loving the pay…but its so hard to find a job that balances both. 😦

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