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if one only remembers to turn on the light

14 Sep

Last night I asked Daniel to blog for me, because I didn’t know what to write about. Then I told him to write about ME. And he did. Thank you, Daniel, for fulfilling my absurdly egomaniacal requests. He is so good to me. Aside from writing nice things about me, Daniel accompanies me on every trip I have to make to the bank, he buys me ice cream for no reason, he takes the burnt tortillas and gives me the perfect ones, he makes sure my phone is charging at night, and he knows just when I need a hug the most. He is perfect, and I know it. And when I think about all the ways this is true, I can’t help but remember all the times I’ve fallen tremendously short of Just Okay.

The memory of one night, in particular, kills me. Just kills me. I’ve been wondering if I should share it at all or bury it with all the other things too terrible to remember. I have finally decided that writing about it might help me work through my feelings in a healthier way.

It didn’t happen long ago. Dementors were attacking me in broad daylight, taking all that had made me happy in the previous days, and replacing it with a hollowness easily filled with doubt, jealousy, sadness, and an acute disgust with myself. I tried to fight it, and for a little while it worked. Through the loops and swoops overlooking the Las Vegas Strip, everything was sublime. The dry summer air made breathing difficult, still, I found I was most at ease enveloped in an uncomfortable warmth with my stomach in my throat and my hands in the air. It was a shame it had to end.
I didn’t give up. I smiled, and I laughed, and we joked about the silly things we saw walking back to our hotel. But somewhere between there and a table for two at a fancy restaurant, I lost the battle to Bad Feelings.
All the while, Daniel was a complete gentleman. He knew I wasn’t feeling right, and he did all he could to get me to smile. He gave me several opportunities to tell him what was bothering me, but something prevented me from saying much at all. The Dementors had a hold on me that I couldn’t break, and we sat through dinner in silence. It wasn’t until the last few bites that the Dementors’ cold grip loosened and allowed me to move closer to the boy I never doubted I’d die without. I held his hand, and finally said something. He paid for our meal, and we went back to the hotel room. There, I felt we could finally talk. All I wanted for the past two hours was to talk, to climb into his arms, and for everything to be normal again. And because Daniel’s love is wonderful and unconditional, he hugged me tight and we sat and talked and worked our way back to Normal. I apologized for the way I’d been acting and tried to explain the Bad Feelings and how they might have happened. He cared just the right amount and fixed what he could with kisses. Until Paul and Bri knocked on our door, Daniel and I lay side by side on the bed flipping through the hotel magazines and chasing away Dementors with one of my most powerful Patronuses.

I still have not fully recovered from that Dementor attack, and I don’t think I ever will. The best I can do is remember how the night ended Good, and how I still have the love of my favorite person.

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2 Responses to “if one only remembers to turn on the light”

  1. Briana Lau September 15, 2011 at 8:39 am #

    well..what?! I’m sorry you weren’t happy that night 😦 you didn’t really give specifics, so I can’t guess what exactly might have been bothering you :/ but I hope you recover eventually, I will listen if you ever want me to!

    and that’s so cute how you described daniel in your eyes. you guys have such a good relationship 😀

  2. Skye Turner September 17, 2011 at 8:55 am #

    This blog reminds me so much of me. I feel like I know exactly how you felt, and why you felt it, even though you didn’t actually say. The way that Daniel took you back to the hotel room to give you time to sort out your feelings and become normal again, rather than force you to leave them scattered and have you fake your happiness somewhere out on the las vegas strip with the Dementors still in the back of your mind, is perfect, and reminds me of something Brad would do for me. Last night, when I said that you and Daniel seem like the type to want to get married because you are very attached, I meant it in a good way. I think most of the time I feel the same way about Brad, but I am just not as open to letting him get too comfortable with the idea of me NEEDING him. This most likely stems from past relationships and the horrible thought of needing someone more than they need me, and the embarrassment that can come from such when they figure it out themselves. But you are so very right about one thing, Daniel is different from your horrible ex boyfriend, and Brad is different than mine. I think I am just stuck in the past somehow, and I know its very unfair for me to compare him like that. It’s almost like I’m waiting for him to do something terrible… And that really is stupid. Most of the time I am jealous of how easy it is for you to be so open about how much you need Daniel. I like to act tough and say things like, “I’d be OK if you ever left,” but to be honest, I would NOT want to imagine my life without Brad in it. I’m not even sure how I did it, anything, without him. When you and Daniel do get married, I know it will be out of pure love for one another and I would support it 100%. I would be so happy for you both.

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