only up when you’re not down

8 Sep

I’ve been thinking about writing about something for a while, but I’ve been waiting for a “good time”. Whatever that is. Hmm. When would be a good time for me to tell you that girls make me nervous? When would be a good time to tell you that besides my sister, who is obligated to love me unconditionally, I have never kept a girl friend for long? When would be a good time to tell you that I like myself more when I am with boys than when I am with their girlfriends?

Say, would you like to know something? Girls make me nervous. I have never kept a girl friend for long. And I feel more free to be myself around boys.

Quite a number of girls have told me they can relate. But, I’m not sure how much of it they mean and how much of it is a lie just to make me feel less peculiar. I have a negative image of girls, and a great deal of that comes from my being one. I feel that most girls are dishonest, because they are more concerned with keeping people happy than telling the truth. In my mind, most compliments from girls are hollow. When a girl compliments me on my hair, clothes, or makeup, I take it as a personal attack or a strong suggestion to notice the hair, clothes, or makeup on herself. I sound nuts. I know. But I don’t trust girls, especially pretty ones who pretend not to notice how pretty they are. I am jealous. Yeah. Sure. I’m jealous. I want to be pretty, too. I want to have nice hair, clothes, and makeup.
I guess my distrust for girls has driven me away from a lot of them. In high school, I had two main girl friends. Never at the same time. I don’t understand how girls can have more than one best girlfriend. It seems contradictory.
The first girl was not a very good friend. I mean, we liked the same things, but that was the extent of it. She’d always ask me to do things for her. Jen, come with me to my locker. Jen, walk to class to me. Jen, let’s go to the bathroom. Ugh. I didn’t at the time, but when it ended and I realized how I’d gotten nothing in return, I felt really stupid.
The next girl seemed fine until her boyfriend decided not to like me. Then she told me, Jen, I see what you’re saying. But. He’s my boyfriend and I have to follow him. If he was a good guy, I might have understood. But we ended our friendship there.

I talk to these girls from time to time, and everything is nice. But it is FAKE. They are faking it just like I am when we hug and say, It’s so good to see you! Because I could have been happy never seeing either of them again.

In high school, my only real friends were boys. They were easier to talk to, because I wasn’t constantly worrying of saying something that might be upsetting. I laughed more. Real laughs. When we went out, it was a little weird being the only girl in a group of seven guys, but I knew I’d rather be there than out with a girl, trying to eat as little as I could and talking about things I thought would not make her think poorly of me.

I am not in high school any more, and I know a couple of girls that I really like. I am still afraid of embarrassing myself in front of them, and I don’t always trust what they say, but I’m working on being more girl-friendly. There are many girls who have been best friends with other girls for years! Maybe I could have that. I want it. But I’ve noticed it takes a lot longer for me to feel comfortable around them than boys. What is wrong with me? Should I become a lesbian to help make sense of this world?


9 Responses to “only up when you’re not down”

  1. Briana Lau September 9, 2011 at 1:44 am #

    Geez, it sure it late to be awake still. I should be sleeping but I started catching up on your blogging. I’m sorry to say that I have been quite busy and missed a lot of them 😦 but this one, I feel that I haaaaave to comment on. I actually laughed. out loud! I love this! I can relate! I enjoy having guy friends as well as girl friends. Although, I haven’t really had many close friends in my life. Paul doesn’t understand when I say that I like talking to boys, too. And of course, that sounds bad. But I don’t have any guy friends anymore, so he has nothing to worry about. Haha. And I didn’t realize you thought this way about girl friends! I hope I am one that you really like πŸ˜‰ and reading this makes me reeeeeally want to hang out and talk about girly things! haha. its so interesting to read your blog because I enjoy reading your thoughts and usually find many similarities in the way that you and I think πŸ™‚ seriously, let’s hang out soon! I want to get to know JenIRL. and Skye too! hehe

  2. Briana Lau September 9, 2011 at 1:48 am #

    oh and yeah, your last line was reeeeal funny πŸ˜› but I would never become a lesbian because I would be jealous if my girlfriend were prettier than me, but if she were uglier…then I wouldn’t want an ugly girlfriend. idk? haha!

    • jenibo September 9, 2011 at 9:28 am #

      Yeah, I feel the same way. I would want a girlfriend who is not skinnier than me, but still pretty. But not too pretty in an obvious-to-boys way. Hahahah. I’m not sure.

      I like hearing from you, Bri. Thanks! You are one of the few girls I like. πŸ™‚

  3. Chris Kimoto September 9, 2011 at 6:36 am #

    interesting O.o. i had no idea you felt that way :3. keep at it jen, become more girl friendly :P. but idk if u’d make a good lesbian. And besides!!! think of daniel…’d be awkward. UNLESS!! he dresses like a girl for a day, and then u can pretend? HAHA!! idk..but yes, i vote for kittens :).

    • jenibo September 9, 2011 at 9:29 am #

      Hahah yeah. I would miss Daniel if I were a lesbian. But kittens are always right. I agree.

  4. Skye Turner September 9, 2011 at 11:58 am #

    I think you’ve spoke of this before. I can also relate. I haven’t had many close friends in my lifetime. This may have partially been by choice, because I don’t really like the thought of having a best friend. I would feel responsible for them. My closest friends have always been my boyfriend, whether it was a good relationship or not. I would definitely currently consider Brad to be my best friend. But I know thats not what you meant. You mean that you don’t like girls because its always a competition, a comparison, a game almost. I can agree, its just that I feel the same way around boys. I really don’t trust anyone. I can feel the same tension around a group of boys if I thought hard enough about it. And its easy for me to think too hard about things. Sometimes I am jealous of girls who have been “bff forever” and I long for that sort of relationship, but most of the time I don’t. But then again, like I said before I already do have this relationship with Brad, and I do have my sister and a few others who I could confide in if I needed to rant about him, so maybe thats why I don’t feel that loss. Anyway, what I’m getting at is that I think this is probably a more common theme than you think. But if I may ask, how are you differen’t around boys, specifically?

    • jenibo September 9, 2011 at 9:24 pm #

      I sometimes wish I had a BFFL, but like you, I mostly okay with not having had one. The problem with having girl friends has a lot to do with jealousy and insecurity, it seems. It’s weird.

      I’m not sure how I’m different with boys. I mean, I talk more because I’m less afraid of saying something stupid. And I feel more comfortable saying what I *want* to say, because what I want to say is often sarcastic. With most girls, sarcasm doesn’t go over too well. I don’t like when other girls are sarcastic with me either, because it feels passive-aggressive. But other than that, I don’t know how I act differently. I just feel better.

      • Skye Turner September 9, 2011 at 11:18 pm #

        So do you mean in high school you liked hanging with boys? Or you still do that now? I get what you mean about jealousy and such with groups of girls, but I think when someone becomes your “best” friend it’s kind of different. Unless they are a bad best friend who is out to tear you down and make you feel bad about yourself, I guess. Other than Brad, I don’t have a best friend. I am my own best friend and worst enemy. hehe. Sometimes people refer to me as their best friend, and I feel loved from that, I’ll admit. I wouldn’t ever claim someone as my BFF before they claimed me first. Sorry this comment is all over the place, I just keep thinking of new things to say/ask…so, you think boys react to sarcasm better? why, because they are supposedly less emotional and over-analytical? Because I know a lot of boys who hate sarcasm and find it annoying. So I think you should definitely become more girl friendly and not group us so generally as girls vs. boys. I sound like I am being mean to you but I am not trying to be, I’m trying to debate you hahah. I know you already said there are a handful of girls that you like, but I think you could fill a couple more hands if you tried. You can be sarcastic with me. I might bite back, but I wouldn’t hold it against you. You wouldn’t have to be jealous of me either. I am certain that I could convince you why you shouldn’t be. Is this comment long enough yet?

    • jenibo September 9, 2011 at 11:50 pm #

      I can’t reply to your other post, so I am going to reply to this one again.

      – *Best Friends* is a tricky term. I tend to refer to my best friends as groups.
      – Yeah. Most boys react better to sarcasm. If they don’t take it well, it’s easier for me to apologize to them than to a girl. In my mind, girl-apologies get too messy.
      – I know these are all over-generalizations. I say *most* boys and *most* girls to avoid including the exceptions.
      – Skye, I can almost be sarcastic with you. But I am a girl, and I don’t take sarcasm well from other girls. Haha!

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