light the fuse and get away

29 Aug

A lot of times, I’m really sad. I used to think that it was one of those things that I get over after high school and when I stop thinking so much like a teenager, but I think it’s always just been a part of me. No running from this one, Jen.

Okay, I will now enter some strange and uncomfortable blogging territory. I trust you guys. I feel like I can really talk to you. I feel that you can handle the truth. If I’ve overestimated you, if you don’t feel comfortable with the truth, you can stop reading before it gets weird.

Hello, you brave souls. I don’t really know what I wanted to write here. I just know that I felt like getting personal, because I, like, never write about myself here in my personal blog. I don’t know if my sadness would be classified as depression, but honestly, I wouldn’t be surprised. I hate that word. Depression. It seems so miserable and fake. Even I can relate to people feeling as far away and hopeless as I do, I don’t know how to deal with them. I’ll sit and listen for hours, days, and months, because it seems like something they’d appreciate, but all the while, I’ll want to shake them by the shoulders and scream at them to Just Be Happy. Because even to me, it seems so simple.
But it’s not. Not really. When I’m happy, I realize later that I was living on the surface of my life. Life happened, but instead of flowing through me, it bounced right off. And when I let it happen to me instead of around me, it only hurts. So, uh, Just Be Happy? Yeah, I don’t think so.
I don’t usually like to share too much about this, because I know that in the morning I’ll only be embarrassed. So, I guess this is all I have to say about the matter for now. Don’t talk to me about it. Thanks!

Sorry, I started off wanting to say a little more, but my invisible timer buzzed and I was no longer brave enough to continue. It’s also important that I note that these bad feelings are not circumstantial. It would be easier if they were.


One Response to “light the fuse and get away”

  1. ssunaoka August 31, 2010 at 1:22 pm #

    Well if you don’t want to talk about it then I guess I’ll just say I’m glad you’re writing about this. I write my blog for me more than for anyone else. Keep it up. I enjoy reading about you.

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