paper stories that hide the glory

27 Apr

I just opened the windows to let the sun in. I’m hoping that some Vitamin D will cheer me up. These past few days have been weird. Apart from the physical pain of my first hangover and the stomach ache yesterday that I doubt had anything to do with my drinking on Friday, I’ve been feeling a little down. To sort things out for myself, I thought I’d write about it.

I generally avoid conflict and any thoughts or emotions that may cause me to sink back into It. It is a deep, dark place that I’ve spent years clawing my way out of. It’s that hollow, don’t care, no one does, hopeless, lifeless feeling that at times can be so bad, I feel comfortable there.

I don’t want to go back. I’m just going to skim the surface to see what I can find.

The first, most obvious feeling I have now is disappointment. Well, it’s a mix of disappointment and shame. Friday night is still haunting me. I feel like I’ve let so many people down. I’ve let myself down. I hate talking about it. I don’t want people to know. But I feel like they should. Like I deserve to be punished, or something. I wish there was something I could do to redeem myself.

The Japan mission trip is coming up, and I’ve been undecided on whether or not I will go. After Friday night, I feel like I shouldn’t. If they knew, would I even be allowed? I wonder, though, if I’m using that night to excuse myself from the trip, because I still am terrified to go, to be away from home and the people that make me comfortable. At yesterday’s meeting, we prayed together. I hate praying aloud. Because I’d be expected to pray aloud in Japan, I am less certain that this is a trip I should take. I don’t feel strong enough to tell my testimony and stand behind it the way a person should after her life has been changed by God. I’m not someone others should look up to.

Are those reasons good enough to not go? Fear. Doubt. Shame. It doesn’t sound like they should be, but… I think they are. If I go to Japan and I am crippled by these feelings, what good will I be?

I guess that settles it. I’ll pray about it for a couple more days before I lock in my answer.


3 Responses to “paper stories that hide the glory”

  1. ssunaoka April 27, 2010 at 5:42 pm #

    Hi Jen,

    Interesting weekend eh? I love how you say you should tell people, but then you post it for the world to see 🙂 I’m not sure if you’re disqualified to go to Japan per se, but I think you should still try to go. It’s a wonderful experience. Let’s talk more about it on Friday night.


    • jenibo April 27, 2010 at 6:06 pm #

      Not many people read my blog! Haha. I like the semi-privacy. It’s like I’m keeping secrets that no one can be upset I didn’t share… If that makes sense.

      • kimo April 27, 2010 at 10:59 pm #

        because you think that your not right for it..makes me believe that you are. did that make sense? well anyways i believe in you. we all make mistakes, what u gotta remember is that when you fall down, don’t stay there. Get back up and keep on walking. Also what i learned from the vine last year is that when you’re uncomfortable you will change. SO! being uncomfortable may be a good thing..eventhough it doesn’t feel good at all. keep your chin up.

        ~Chris k.

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