i could die right now, clem

18 Apr

This week, I’ve been stressed. (Okay, okay, totally premenstrual, I’ll admit.) I’ve been a complete grouch, and there were times when I didn’t care much to hide it. Aunty C and Uncle G left this afternoon, and when we said goodbye, I wanted to (but didn’t) apologize for being less than ideal. With them, I wasn’t grumpy half as much as I was silent. Neither should my family have to endure. It’s always sad to see them leave, but knowing that they could be back in six months is nice. I hope that then, I’m more fun to be around.

After I’ve been grumpy and irritable the whole day, I crawl into bed a depressed disaster. Being rotten is exhausting, and it brings me down, down, down*. Danny has been wonderful, as always, and he deserves much better. I haven’t been exceptionally mean, or anything. I just haven’t been pleasant. (Being aware of that should count for something, right? A little something, at least.)

So, I try not to gush about him all the time, but just now (and probably later), I have to say that he is so, so, so much better than any boy I’ve ever dreamed would like me. After I’d “grown up” and abandoned all hope of finding that Perfect Someone, because no real person could ever live up to my high and specific standards, Danny and I happen across each other, and there is real magic and a great, grand rightness in every moment that we’re together. There’s a process that precedes Together Forever, and it’s lovely and exciting, but I wish I knew a way to speed it up. A wise person might tell me: “You’re gonna miss this,”** but I can’t help anticipating. It’s most of the fun of living in the moment.

At this moment, I am typing this blog on my bed. The window is open, and there’s an icy breeze blowing through. I’m wearing a jacket and wrapped in a quilt to keep warm when I would probably be just fine if I just shut the window. But warmth while it’s cold is so much more fun and rewarding. I wish I could sit outside in the dark, in the cold, and look up at the stars without getting sucked into the night. Last summer, I remember that happening. It can be as nice and romantic as it sounds, but that time, it was only sad. Like I’d encountered a real-life Dementor. And clawing my way out of the darkness was so hard, that sitting there and soaking it up seemed like a better alternative. It wasn’t, but I did anyway. The title of my blog, a breath from the breathing, actually came from one of the main songs I used to marinate in. It’s a beautiful song, and I’m completely enamored with practically everything Andrew McMahon does, but “Hammers and Strings” is haunting a small corner of my heart that I can’t visit until I’m strong enough to resist the darkness it could easily pull me back in to.

So, that’s that. Tomorrow is a new day, and I will be praying for it to be better.

*I’ve been listening to The Script album lately. Amongst others.
** Umm… Country.

I was going to end this entry there, but I couldn’t. I feel there is more I must say before I can sleep peacefully:

A couple of weeks ago, there was an episode of Supernatural in which Sam and Dean went to heaven and relived their happiest moments. Because of all the happiness, this is easily one of my favorite episodes ever. If heaven is like that, I can’t wait. However it is, though, I’m sure it will be awesome. There are two instances that have always stood out from the others as The Best Time Of My Life.
The first happened on a trampoline. Just jumping. It was a hot summer day and I was sweaty and feeling ugly, but the higher I jumped, the less I seemed to care about the things God would rather I not care about anyway. I was with some friends, and we laughed so hard we cried. They probably don’t remember it, but I don’t care. For those few moments in the air, I was free.
The night that I went to The Fray concert, I had a similar feeling. I can’t even write about it, because everything about that night was greater than words. I think about it, and I want to cry, because I remember how I felt when the music played while I swayed with the crowd, Daniel’s arms wrapped around my shoulders to keep me warm, the lights, the piano, and my heart so full and happy that I could have died that moment and felt absolutely right.

I know that God has a lot up His sleeve for the remainder of my life, but I’d be impressed if He topped that.

There. This entry is done. I think I’ve covered the extreme highs and lows. I’m happy to end this on a good note. Hopefully tonight, I’ll dream about it.


One Response to “i could die right now, clem”

  1. Kin Robles April 18, 2010 at 1:51 am #

    Sounds like some nice experiences from the spiritual highway are being recalled in more challenging times to help you during the rest of the journey. Thanks for sharing.


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