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because these things will change

23 Jan

So, God had a few words for me tonight. I should know that He’s speaking to me all the time, but I’m almost always too involved with myself to notice. And when He raises the volume a bit, I cannot explain how good it is to hear His voice.

I went to church tonight with Mom, Court, and Daniel for the second week in a while. Last week, I came home feeling rotten. I told you about it. That was the night we went to Mark’s house, and I had nothing to say. Before he went home, Daniel and I got to talk about it. I cried to him about how sick of myself I was. “It’s impossible,” I said. “Some crazy things are possible, but I really think this is never going to happen.” And I believed it. I want so badly to be able to speak around others, to not be so afraid, and for everyone else to see that the me they know is someone completely different from who I really am. But, as I said, it’s impossible.
An entire week passed since then, and I tried to accept that things were never going to change. I went to church tonight, hoping only that when I leave, I wouldn’t be worse than when I came in. Seeking a positive change was just too much. But as Carl spoke about faith tonight, I was suddenly convicted. While he was making a point about “good faith,” Carl made a little side note that nearly brought me to tears. He said that God gave us dreams. And He gave them to us for a reason. It might seem like it now, but it’s not impossible. And he just thought he should say that.

I know it was God. I know He wanted me to hear that. I know that I should have faith that I can be the person I want to be, because if I wasn’t meant to be her, then being who I am now wouldn’t feel so wrong.

[note: Here is a link to the same sermon. It was given two days later, but it’s basically the same.]

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