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all you need to survive is mild yellow

16 Jan

I’m so sick of myself. I’m tired of sitting in the corner with nothing to say. I want, so badly, to drink, and drink, and drink. Maybe after I’ve had a few shots, I can be who I really am when other people aren’t around. Only, tonight, they’ll be there. That’s the plan, anyway.

After church last night, a few of us went to Mark’s house to hang out and eat. I didn’t eat. I hate eating in front of other people. We’re friends with Mark and Tim and Amber, and Ito was really nice, but I felt like an intruder. An outsider. I sat there for hours, totally quiet, trying to laugh at jokes to make it seem like I wasn’t so uncomfortable. But I was. And all I could think about was how much better I’d feel if I was liquored up. But there was no opportunity for that there, so I continued to stew silently and fester a true and deep disgust for myself than I ever had before. Besides my sister and Daniel, the only thing keeping me from slipping away and driving off a cliff into the ocean was the notion that tomorrow, I could drown peacefully, standing up, being whoever I think I am.

Today is tomorrow. I prayed last night, upon Daniel’s request, and I felt slightly better. More numb, maybe. I slept peacefully for five hours, and then I woke up. Not a second after that, I felt the demon that God was keeping at bay for the night latch on. He sunk his teeth into my heart, and my aching to be inebriated was just as strong as it had been at Mark’s house.

I want it so bad. I can’t stand it anymore. I knew I shouldn’t have taken that first drink. I’m already gone.

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