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hahaha… tudge.

24 Apr

I am typing this from the computer lab in Sinclair Library. Well, it’s not so much a computer lab as it is the third floor, cold, quiet, and typically ignored computer on the far end of a long table. Actually, I haven’t been to this library for over a year, so I don’t know what is typical or not. I like it here. I think I’ll come here more often. It’s almost a shame that I don’t have more free time at school to explore it. I’m supposed to be in class now, but since I was too afraid to speak in it, I find myself here, typing this, avoiding whatever embarrassment awaited me in English 323.

I’m disappointed in myself. Maybe if I did the reading for homework, I would have been more inclined to go to class today. But I didn’t even do that. Going to class on a day I’m supposed to speak is hard enough, but going to class on a day when I’m supposed to speak on the homework I didn’t do is not a possibility. GRR. I hate it, I hate it, I hate it.

It’s really cold here. Cold and quiet. If Court isn’t going to her next class, I’ll meet her someplace, and we’ll go home. If she is going to her next class, I would usually meet with Amber and Brittani to chat and have lunch, but today, I think I’ll stay here. The past few times I’ve hung out with them, I’ve been a complete bore. I didn’t have anything to say, so I just sat there eating my lunch or playing with my phone, feeling like the biggest loser they know, and not doing anything about it. I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I wish I wasn’t so boring. I wish I could speak. I wish I was fun and interesting. I wish that my being this dull was abnormal, and that I’d get over it in a few days, but I can’t say that it is. Or that I’ll get over it at all. Am I supposed to be this way? Is this who I am? Is there something holding me back from being the person I want to be, or am I exactly the way God intended me to be?

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