the whole world was that unraveled piece of fabric
by jenibo
It is wonderful to feel liked. I semi-actively seek to be liked by almost every person that I meet. It sounds like a nice thing, I think, to want to be liked. It is a trait that makes me seem social and friendly. But it is cowardly and repulsive. And at times when I am feeling great and strong, and probably angry, I see how weak I’ve been and I decide that I hate almost everyone. And I would, I think, like to tell them about it. Somehow, this doesn’t seem right either.
There must be some middle ground. And somewhere There, I will stand and not be so concerned with the people who are indifferent toward me. Because Here, I am concerned. It bothers me a lot. And in several places and around certain people, it consumes me. Yes. I am eaten up about it. I wonder why these groups have not accepted me. Like, really Accepted me. They are nice toward me. But I still scurry around the perimeters of their invisible fort, trying to scratch my way in. I have to have style. I must have a strange sense of humor, and I must laugh like I cannot control myself. I have to listen to obscure music. I have to love God with all my heart, and never fall away. I must hike. Be loud. Drink coffee. Be upbeat. Watch It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia. Prefer vampires to wizards. Dance.
Well, I’m sorry. I can’t. And it’s really, just really, sad how badly I wish I could. Just to be liked. By everyone. Well, I guess now it’s more than Like. I want to be Accepted. And that’s asking for quite a bit.
Oh, great. Now I’m upset. I’ve thought too much about it for tonight. All of you, all you people who are indifferent toward my existence, Screw You.
Just kidding. I didn’t mean that. Not that last part, anyway. I still want you to like me. I want to be a part of your group. Let me in.
You are great and strong, and you dont need to like all or any of those things for people to like you. You just have to be more confident in who you really are.
I look at myself when I was in high school and how I am now, I see how hard I would try to be “popular” and maintain so many friendships. I think about all the stupid things I would do for a laugh, but I got away from all that. I found out who my real friends were and I didn’t mind losing touch with those who did nothing more than laugh at my jokes. You seem to be a very caring person, it’s a good quality to have. It can be painful to care sometimes, mostly when it is wasted or not appreciated. I hope your brain doesn’t burst or implode.
If you do a Google search for ‘not giving a fuck’ you may find some excellent material (including/especially this one: http://inoveryourhead.net/the-complete-guide-to-not-giving-a-fuck/) which may speak to you.